Room Cousin Mate Mate

I haven't been blogging in a while, I know. And there have been a whole lot of changes since my last post. Well, as you know, Marcus moved out. To replace him, I posted an advertisement on Roommate.com, which I now highly recommend as a resource for locating room mates, because the one that I found is excellent. Don't get me wrong. This did not happen immediately. I did get some strange replies! The first one, for example, advertised herself as "Clean and Tidy" yeah right! I don't want a room mate who 1)wastes her life and 2) flaunts her wasted life with a clean house! The second room mate said that she was looking only for room mates who went to bed early because she is a runner and often races early in the morning. I go to bed early, but I do not tolerate racism, so I had to turn her down! A third room mate listed a made bed under things that she just cannot live without. I had to recall my famous aunt Veronika's famous words: You can spend your time making your bed or making someone's day, your choice, and on that note, turned her down. I would much rather have a roomie that made my day then her bed!

Then, I met Bethie. She is an excellent candidate for any room mate position, but was having trouble finding any placement at all, and was even considering going to Room Mate Ready to find room today. It seemed like everywhere she went, she got false hopes, from Celebrity Room Mates to Sheridan's! We seemed to have a whole lot in common! She cannot bear to be without me and I have never seen a bear! She loves me with all of her heart, and I once had a dog that I loved. She recently graduated from Cal State Santa Clause Rooma cum laude and has four years room mate experience plus an additional ten or so years from her sibling bunks of childhood.

Bethie moved in just in time for the drunken screw fest that was my birthday party. So far, she is a great room mate, except that she is messy, hasn't paid me a dime, parks behind me and I always find her in my bed. Like I said, I would highly recommend roommates.com.

The Boys

My fuckubus moved out. Unfortunate, I know. He says that he moved out to be closer to the school he wants to attend, and I already told him that everything he needs to know, he can learn in my bed, but that did not seem to sway him for some reason. When he is not spoon feeding me that hot rod of marcus, I think that he's gay. But then he does something unexpected, like hop into the fresh garden of daisies that is my bed. Men, live with 'em, can't lock them in a cage for your occasional enjoyment.
I like this guy though, regardless of my incomensurable feelings. He has introduced me to some cool things, shared his fabulous poetry with me, and likes to hang out with me at the club. I like his friends too. Wait, no I don't. There is Mikey who stole him away even though I am SURE that he is not as good of a room mate as I am, Justin, who I like as a friend (and that's it!) but tries to help me pop my hood (brotha, you got me fucked up if you think I is gonna stand back and watch you put oil in my strawberry!), and then Tyler and Bailee. I like them the best. Tyler because he is both black and a dog, two of my favorite things, and Bailee, because she is a good momma!
Marcus is my favorite club buddy, even though he doesn't dance much. So far, the people that I have to compare him to are "lip biter", "finger fucker", and "Arabian get a clue, I don't want to dance with you" If I keep going to the club though, hopefully some better competition will stack up.
I might have to change clubs though, cause last time, I left my ATM card there and when I returned to pick it up, there was $175 worth of drinks charged to my tab from nights that I wasn't even there!
Well, I am going to hop in bed and hope that someone else gets the hint!

Wanted

Wanted:
Co-Sleeper. Wanted Friday and Saturday nights. Must be comfortable with bed rails. Must accept knee socks as good substitute for shaved legs. Must work around my schedule. Sex possible, just don't wake me, don't make a mess, and make sure that you take proper care of the condom.
Call me to schedule an audition. It helps if you are biracial, specifically halfrican, a poet/ good with words, know what a post grunge guitar riff is and I am in love with you.
Apply by showing up to our job in regular clothes, and then lingering in my life, fantasies and desires for the next four years.

I have horns

I don't know what to write here, not because my life is not exciting, just because it really seems like I cannot write a sentence these days without getting really really angry. Go figure? But I am writing something, atleast, because I have written nothing for too long.

Smoke and Fired

Well Mrs. Boss Lady,
I know that there are some difficult things going on around here, and before you fire me, I want to give you a warning about the danger of having flammable materials in doors. Just kidding. Really, I want to come clean about everything that I have done while being an employee here. That way, you hear it from me rather than heresay, alright?
Well, here goes. You know how last month, there was an increase in the cost of materials related to the copy machine? And I told you it was because we now are required to copy both sides of charts? Well, the truth is that I have been making an extensive number of copies of various body parts of mine, and have been making collages with them when I am here after hours. Breasts, butt, arms, legs, the works! You should see the positions I can twist into in order to get myself over the top of that copy machine! Of course, there was that one day when I was not feeling very limber and I had to lean it on it's side, which is how the paper feeder got broken!
Ok, that was the tip of the iceberg. My cousin works in a shelter, you see. And she always talks about how good it feels to help people out, to give them a warm place to stay for the night. So I have been posting our phone number as an emergency line. And since it felt so good talking to people about their problems, I figured I would also let them spend the night in this warm building since nobody uses it at night. That is why I have been staying late and coming in early. I have to sign my clients in and out, not to mention doing case management with them!
But an emergency line for homeless people is not all that phone line is good for. Awhile back, a couple of people were telling me that I have a nice voice, one time someone even asked me if I'd ever considered operating a phone sex line. So, I figured I'd give it a go! It pays so much, and it is so easy to say yes, yes to this in the ass, that in the mouth, this in the pussy, that in the ear, when in real life I am just sitting at my desk filing my nails. That is why I demanded an office, by the way, confidential files on my desk bull shit! really, I just wanted to protect the naughty fantasies of my, uh hem, clients.
Do you remember that you hired me because I am an ambitious person? So it is no surprise that I wanted to move up in the sex industry. Some of my clients seemed so nice, and they live in the area, and I even got turned onto some of the stuff they suggested over the phone. That is why I needed the security door. private transactions, didn't I tell you? Not a complete lie!
Well, with all of this commodification of my body, I have been needing a pick me upper to get through the day! But you know how I feel about capitalism! I would hate to pay for cocaine at the marked up prices they charge on the street- who is really winning there anyway? So I did start cooking it in the office, but I have been told on several occasions that my office smells good, because I have been burning the Mia Bella candles, the ones I have been selling at the coffee machine and hosting parties for in the company lounge, by the way, and they effectively cover up the smell of amonia and sulfur. are you interested in hosting a party, by the way?
What? What's that you say? Stop? Well, I've just begun, and I want you to know the truth!
to tell me that I have been doing a good job? Is that what you called me in here for?
did I mention that this was all a part of my new comedy routine?
No, not going to save my ass, you know that I am finally telling the truth? Well, then, did I tell you tickets to my comedy show are for sale in my office? Special deal, a line, a lick, and a laugh for $100!

Safety

I love myself, my son, my family, humanity and nature. I am careful with my body by putting positive things into it including those that are organic, safe, natural and chemical free. It would not make any sense for me to do otherwise. So, when I take a lovah I am always careful to ensure that I am protecting myself from undesired consequence. I believe that sex can be fun and recreational, but do not intend for it to be dangerous or harmful, and that is why I hold precaution in such high regard. I would not be able to devote myself so wholly to Keanu or Violet (and those are the only people worth my attention) should something tragic happen to my body. And my highest priorities are Keanu and Violet.

Santacalagon

So, I went to Santacalagon with Hot Wing. I know, I know I decided that I did not want to have anything to do with him since the co worker relationship is unhealthy, but this was a special, isolated incident because I told him as I was putting the post it note with my number on it under the bill of his hat that this was going to be a one time thing and no matter how hard he begged or how much he pleaded, no matter what he promised and how many gifts he lavished me with that it could not continue!

So, we went to Santa Cala Gone. You don't know what Santa Cala Gone is? Sound it out! That is Santa for Santa Claus (Stanislaus?), Cala for Super Cala fragalistic exbee oladocious, and Gone for Gone with the wind, how much more simple could it get? Luckily for me, they started a new tradition this year of serving only organic health foods and doing so in reusable containers rather than the disgusting slop and paper products they usually carry. I have been getting really into the environmental movement lately. I have always had ideals, but now I am able to really put them into action! And, as the saying goes, where daisy petals blow, people will go.

I was so glad that Hot Wing came with me. Little did he know, I was just using him to ward off the evil John of the Hill who operated under the guise that he wanted to buy me a beer, but really I know he wanted to steal my mojo because he is upset that he just cannota hava the daisy!

Hot wing had just finished buying some fruit, nuts, and a magical potion to ward off all bugs at one of the stands when John of the Hill crept in from the shadows!!! I was terrified because he had his death weapon with him, like he know that there was going to be a fight! Well, Hot Wing wasn't going to see me get hurt or hit on someone so hickish! He is well trained in Bahai'i don't you know! They were just about to throw down in the street when Hot Wing said "Wait, no! We must ask the Daisy what she wants in this situation. Naturally, I told them that I wanted non violence, daisy violet communication, and above all else, to not be hit on by gross hicks in skinny jeans who want to take my picture.

John of the hill took the straw that he was chewing on out of his mouth, scratched his bare chest, and smiled a buck toothed smile. Oh, sorry, I did not mean to disrespect your wishes daisy!
He turned red and ran off, and hot wing walked me home after buying me just enough apricot margaritas to get me pleasantly drunk.

I came home, wrote in my journal, and called the Women's Haven for some Verbal abuse. Then, I called it a night!